Sunday, October 07, 2007
Life has once again set me on the thinking track. This time, deeper. Discovering insights i never knew, the hurtful truths unfolded before my eyes. Truths? Maybe it is. maybe. Its just difficult to accept. It really is. It hurt so bad.
It seemed whatever that i was perceiving has been a mistake. A mistake right from the start. Why now? just why. Because life is such? This must be a joke.
Something i hold so close to my heart. Something so dear. Something which i feel, i embraced through the rough patch. But on the contrary, its just empty. Just empty.
Along the way, i have lost intangible assets that would never be found again. So all these while i was wrong? It really hurt.
Suddenly you just realise the world has made a joke out of your dear life. A life that grew up perfected, blissed and blessed. My heart bled again. all these years. ALL these years.
I didn't how severe this is until i began to realise that i have been escaping from reality. Whatever that can distract me, i allowed it knowing that then, my mind would be pre-occupied with whatever that's involved.
Voicing out again stirred up the complexity of emotions. All that i've been through was tough. Getting it replayed slapped me back into harsh reality. Its not just always all about me. Like i'm victimised. Like i'm shortchanged. All the time. It's just taxing even to think about it right now.
The words that drowned me, the replay that continued like its never ending, everything.
Bringing myself to face this world again, knowing once again that i have been all along standing on equal platform, i believe is the first step to get myself out from an idealistic world. A world that's mould by social norms. And i didnt realise how blend in i am towards social norms. Whatever that society deem is right, is right.
After the conversation that involved a whole lot of emotions and thinking, revealed alot about myself to me. How ironic. Just how funny life can be.
Waking up is just tough. Sometimes, i wished things weren't that clear to me. Then, i would have felt so much better all over again. And then, time will help fade whatever that has pricked my heart once so badly.
But things ain't this way.
Junkies treasured @ 8:04:00 PM
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Finally a chance to blog after so long. Been really really busy with work. and by the time i reach home, i'm deadbeat. well, what can i say, its been almost a month since i started internship. been Ok i guess... Downsides of internships are inevitable. well, well... some staffs are not exactly friendly. i seriously dont know whats wrong with them. ok, to be fair, just 2 or 3 of them... but, that's bad enough. i dont know, they seem to have some attitude problems. i witnessed a few times already. Like when they receive documents to be done, they would display why-pass-to -me kind of expression. not only that, they complain out loud. i'm so dead serious. so unprofessional. it's my first in coming across such weird behaviours. And not to mention, most of the staffs, especially in the finance department eat in EVERYDAY. mind you, its EVERYDAY.
I'm just astonished by the culture. I'm fine... getting used to it. Adapt. Thats the key i suppose.
By right, i have a designated seat. But because of space constraint and the fact that finance department wants to be 'together' as far as possible, it has turned out to be that i'll fill the places of fellow staffs who are on leave or on MC. To be honest, i dont like it at all.
Very Interesting Culture indeed.
10 more weeks left.
Aside from that, Life sometimes sets me on the thinking track. I feel confused to certain perspective. What i used to perceive is no longer there. Its just, maybe situations are different now. People change. Sometimes things dont have to turn out the way things are if creases are ironed out. Maybe its emotional attachment. Maybe its jealousy. maybe its the thought of escaping from reality. Whats left is just an outline. An outline of everything.
Generosity. Is it ever coming out sincere? Is it ever taken graciously?
Junkies treasured @ 10:50:00 PM
Monday, May 28, 2007
Exams are over and now, internship starts. Well, enjoyed my day on the whole. Was kept busy and yea, i enjoy doing the stuffs delegated. I'm so glad that my finance manager, the person i report to, actually put in the effort to draft out the plan for my stay. So all in all, i'll be exposed to the different aspects of the finance department and there will be more hands-one, more real-life scenario. I'll be touring the island and in addition, be stationed near the counter for an afternoon to see how the transactions actually works- Point of sale. I'll also be going around the golf club to see how the financial chain actually works. Sounds fun. Oh, and there's Barclays Open coming up too. I like the fact that my finance manager actually differentiates between an intern and a temp. staff. It was put straight from the start to me that as an intern, she will teach me as much as possible. I like that. ((=
Junkies treasured @ 9:58:00 PM
Friday, May 11, 2007
The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.
Henry Miller
Junkies treasured @ 11:32:00 PM
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Without a rich heart, wealth is an ugly beggar.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Junkies treasured @ 11:06:00 PM
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
I am supposed to be asleep by now. The pinch came down just as i was about to end my day. Perhaps i've become insensitive nowadays. Taking too many things for granted. Maybe i'm just too pampered, to used to having things done through what i deem is right. My own, my perspective, me. Selfish. I hate it.
I'm really really sorry for all the hurt that i've caused. I really regret it. I know i've been really horrible. I know. I know i shouldn't have acted that way. I know i shouldn't have. Time and again, all everyone of you did was to embrace me in all ways possible. You guys are awesome. What more can i ask for? Seriously. I'm really am truly grateful for all the love showered on me. I really am. *sincere and honest*
I know i should help out more. I know i should. I really deserve to be whacked good and proper.
I must admit that sometimes certain stuffs that you do or say annoys me. I feel really irritated. Especially over trivial matters. I cannot comprehend certain ways of dealing with situations. I just dont like it. I thought maybe, perhaps... you could have done it better, or things would have turned out better if you had better assessed it. But then again, i have to understand that everyone's tired after a day's of events. I have to understand. I need to.
I know that sometimes whatever that I say is insensitive. Whatever that i say irritates. Whatever that comes out is rather upsetting.
I sincerely apologise. I truly am so sorry. I really am. I hope i still am what i am to you.
I will improve. I must, and i need.
Maybe that's the reason for feeling empty even when i have what i want.
Serve me right for being selfish.
Its not always about me. Everyone counts.
I love you guys.
and...
I'm sorry.
Junkies treasured @ 11:31:00 PM
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
At long last, i manage to get the coloured streaks of hair from previous dyes out. All thanks to Darren. ((=
I'm so freaking tired. Like, sleep is all i need. Still glued to my favourite show though. Geez. Well, what can i say... i never miss a single episode of simple life on cable. Loves it.
Tomorrow's another full day at school.
Feelings can grow, but it can fade away too.
Gees.
Junkies treasured @ 6:35:00 PM